i know why the caged bird sings

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
-Maya Angelou

...I knew this would happen. This is both what I longed for and was afraid of, and why I put off writing for so long. Tonight, Pandora's Box has been opened. I have too much to say. My mind is racing. The caged bird sings. I feel like I can't say enough orally, or am afraid to say what I'm really thinking, but I have too much to write.

I'm afraid of that. You learn to lock yourself up in a box and it becomes easy to never return to who you are. Do you know what I'm saying? You become this person that prioritizes what you know and what you don't know, what you're willing to try and what you will never try, who you will love and who you can't or refuse to love. Eventually you become good at leaving yourself in a cage simply because it's easier than breaking free and flying sometimes. In other words, you get comfortable. I was comfortable. I didn't need or want things to change and then tonight, I broke out. Dichotomous in that it's a nightmare and a dream come true. I can't believe it's been 7 months since I have written anything, let alone blogged. I mean I have journaled, but sparingly. I freaking graduated college. I had one of the most interesting and growth-filled semesters of my life and I didn't write? Why?

It's easier to keep it bottled up than to sit down and let yourself overflow. I'm thinking about getting a different blog website. It's time to move on from this study abroad blog and have more of a "Becoming Lindsay" type blog, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel inspired. Like I can do anything right now. Like I could sit here and type 17 more entries and still not feel weary. I want to run right now. I want to listen to my music. I want to get it all out, but I also want it to last.

I'm saving it for the morning.