Brangelina Goes Hunting

I didn't really know how to pick a title because it's been so long, but you have to understand that blogging is writing and writing is your thoughts and your thoughts are your feelings and your feelings are who you are at that time...

Basically why I haven't had the courage to write in so long. It takes courage, it takes emotion, it takes blocking everything else out and letting your soul take over. I'm probably over-dramatizing this whole blog of mine, but words have such a different meaning to me, that it's not dramatic, it just is. I can't describe it any more than that. And honestly, I don't know what I'm saying right now, but I wouldn't be here, on my computer, typing all of this nonsense out at this moment, if it weren't for 2 random people who came into my life at random times, albeit all too briefly, and for some reason just won't let me stop writing. I don't know why they like to read this blog, but it makes me feel like I may actually have something to say. So, to Catie King and Kohan McNab, this one goes out to you...

I've re-typed this first sentence like 409 times already because I'm having a hard time formulating my thoughts and allowing myself to let go enough to write, so this is going to be my sentence. Whew. Here goes. The thing is that words, quotes, lines, and songs mean so much to me because they make me feel understood. It's like my soul has a voice when I hear something that describes who I am at that moment: what I'm thinking about, who is important to me and at the forefront of my mind, what I'm worrying about, etc. Do you ever turn on the radio and hear a song that just lifts your soul out of your body and carries you up into some unknown, yet completely whole world? That's the feeling I'm attempting to describe here. That's what words are to me. Honestly, I have no freaking clue why in the hell I'm writing this scattered paragraph right now and it's not at all what I initially intended to say, but now I'm purging about something that doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry. It's been awhile. I guess what I'm trying to say is in a reallyyyy roundabout way is that it's hard for me to reconcile who I am when I write and who I am in my daily life. My words, on paper, or on a blog (work with me here), are me exposed and naked; they permit my mind to go places that I can't normally go, unless I'm on a road trip by myself, simply because it's taboo to be needy and thoughtful. I hate that. What I hate more than anything else is when someone calls me dramatic and emotional. Personally, I don't feel like I am all that dramatic. Emotional? Yes. Dramatic? Not so much. Maybe I am more dramatic than I think, but I like to think I'm not flailing myself onto the ground because daddy won't buy me the pink horse that I wanted for my birthday. Perhaps that's more theatrical? I don't know. I think that I hate being described as dramatic and emotional, though, simply because they hold such negative connotations, especially with my family. I am a feeler. To my best friend Laura Beth, that's nothing new. I feel things so hard. Certain moments and specific people just bring out these emotions in me that makes me feel as though I was just crushed against the wall by a nuclear blast or something. But, words are so meaningful to me, whether they be in the form of a song or a poem or a powerful quote, because they make me feel understood. Like someone gets me. It's like a breath of fresh air. See, that right there was dramatic, but it's true. I'm done trying to be this fake person who everyone thinks I should be. I feel things, okay? Sometimes I want to know that I'm needed and sometimes I need. I worry... a lot. About people, about circumstances, about moving, about adapting, about what my life would be like after graduation. I think all the time, and if I had my way I would think about this or that person all day long while attempting to formulate my thoughts towards them in a meaningful way. At the same time, I simply long for them to know how much I care about them because I'm not the greatest speaker. I'm not so good at talking face-to-face unless you have earned my trust and appreciate my heart, meaning that you are not the kind of person who will criticize me for caring. Because, let's face it, people that feel and care are always criticized. I'm not a depressed person; in fact, I'm anything but that. Been there, done that. I'm happy in my life, but that doesn't keep me from feeling things at a deeper level. That's why my soul can both soar like there's no tomorrow and be crushed into a million fatalities simply because of words.

I can be so easily wounded. I hate that about myself. I wouldn't normally write that, but I feel like the amount of traffic this blog sees is few and far between, so I no longer care. This is me right now... But, what I was saying is that I'm easily wounded. I'm also sooooo easily touched. For those two reasons among a few other major events in my life that played a huge part in defining who I am, I am heavily guarded. Mind you, there are a select few individuals who have weaseled their way into my life, put their hands on their hips, and demanded to know me. I can't tell you how much I love those people and how protective I am of them. It's not like I'm unloved, that's not what I'm saying. And if you think that's what I'm saying, please stop reading this blog right now because you just totally took the word misunderstanding to a whole other level. I am severely and deeply loved. I can't get enough love. I love and am loved. Get that through your thick skull. It's being known that is the hard thing. It's having a thought and having someone there to interpret your thoughts, despite not uttering a word, just because you are one thing: known.

I just got back from a great week at the beach with my whole extended family (the Holden clan). I love them sooo much. It's like the earth shifts with the amount of love our extended family has for one another. You can breathe it in the air. You can taste it on your tongue. It's there. It's that overly-protective, severely invasive, you can never run away from it kind of love. It's great. I feel like I have finally accepted and grown comfortable with who I am, though. I have finally accepted that I bring a whole new meaning to the personas of being a feeler and a lover. It's part of who I am. It's not the way to survive in this world. And I think that's why I've been fighting against myself for so long. I used to want to be this powerful business woman who never had a glass ceiling, but who climbed and climbed. Now, I just want to be me. I love myself... finally. I love my thoughts, I love who my friends are, I love my family, I love my body, I think I'm hilarious, and I want those things to be known. For so long, people kept telling me that I'm too sensitive and that I need thicker skin, so what did I do? I threw up walls. I have so many walls that even I am blinded by them. They are a defense mechanism that came up out of a sub-conscious need to arrest the side of me that wasn't what the world wanted simply so I could survive. They protected me from not only discovering and learning to love myself, but also from what people had to think about me. I don't know why I used the past tense there either... because they are still up. I'm guarded. It takes time to get to know me. I'm one of "those" people. At the same time, I hate it, because most of the time, I want to be known by the people that blow "those" guarded individuals off... simply because they take too much time. Anyway, as much as I feel loved by some of my family and friends, I don't always feel known. What bothers me is that I don't know how to reconcile that at all. It's like I know that I am loved, but I feel misunderstood at the same time. I'm having a conversation with someone whom I know loves me, but my soul is screaming for them to hear me, to feel me, to understand what I'm trying to say.

This is such a confusing post and I don't know why I'm even writing it because it isn't at all what I intended to write, but alas, here I am. And the thing is that I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way. I think a lot of people, especially the underdogs, feel that way and that is why they struggle to believe in themselves, to deem themselves capable, to love themselves... I think we need to do a better job of loving people.

That's all I'm trying to say today.