I'm happy, can't you see?

I might lock my secrets up all one by one.
I put 'em all away when I was done.
And I would really love to hear your voice sometime
To close a little distance in my mind.
I'm happy, can't you see?
I'm alright, but I miss you and believe.
-Brandi Carlile, "Happy"

Brothers & Sisters just ended and it truly has become one of my favorite shows these days, along with 24 and Lost, that is--I got tired of all of the sex drama on Grey's and Private Practice and every other effing show, so I just quit on them. Brothers & Sisters is so good because it's a wacked out family with problems... just like every family. I love it.

Tonight it inspired me, as it does most nights, because though I try to be, I'm not the bravest of people. Sally Field, "Norah Holden" (yes, I like her last name) on the show, was giving her son some last minute pointers before he tied the knot with his fiance. She said, "sometimes the things you are most scared of are the things that make you the happiest." It cut me to the core because I'm so afraid of things. I'm so afraid of having to commit to anything. I'm afraid of having to commit to leaving Chapel Hill, living far away from my parents again, and most of all, I'm afraid of showing my feelings or loving someone.

I guess I have built it up in my head, but I will tell you that it was my youth pastor's wife, Missy Scanish, and my mentor, Paige William's fault. They both told me at such an impressionable high school/early college age that I deserved the best and to hold out for the best possible man because they were so worth waiting for. Apparently I am a slightly intense person (Kelsey, Alex, and Lindsay, hold your tongues... they are the ones that told me I am), which I never considered to be a possibility, so I guess I took this advice to heart. I have believed in a fairy tale my whole life... I believe in Taylor Swift "Love Story." Yeah, corny, I know, but I respect her because the girl happens to have a lot of class and talent... and let's be for real here, the girl is dating Taylor Lautner. Anyway, this is all besides the point. The truth is that I was taught to appreciate God's design and timing... and let's be honest, I have a long list of expectations, so it should take a long time for the stars to align, but I believe that they do and I won't allow it when they don't. I believe that each couple's love story is the best love story of all time. I see couples splitting up all the time and it freaks me out because it could happen to anyone, but at the same time I really do believe that if the right person comes along, you fight to stay together. It's just that I met a guy once who rocked my world and met my long list of expectations, even though I chose for a long time not to admit to it. That's what I do, though, I process over long periods of time. Finally, when I was in England, for the first time, I openly admitted to my feelings for him to myself and to a couple other buddies of mine. It's just that it was too late. He came in, interested me, and like "the wind under superman's cape" (a little Lady Antebellum for you), he was gone again. I spend a lot of time thinking that I should have done some things differently... that I could have said different things, shown more interest, or made an attempt to spend more time with him, but I didn't because underneath it all, even though I felt good about him, it didn't feel right to me.

I go back and forth between kicking myself for it and being proud of myself for it. I am waiting for what I was taught to wait for... God. It didn't feel right and now, I trust my judgment. Others have told me that I will never really know unless I bite the bullet and tell him how I feel/felt, but personally, I think that would be creepy and I am not okay with that. He can come to me. I'm old-fashioned like that. I love and care about myself and I chase after the things that I want all of the time. But when it comes to a man, he can chase after me. I was raised by the most incredible father who made me believe that I was a princess. It's what I am. I love myself; I crack myself up all the time; I'm content to be alone because again, I crack myself up; I think I have my head on straight; I think I'm a freak, but I believe in myself and where I'm going; I have the world's most amazing friends and though my family drives me nuts sometimes with their endless questioning of how I live my life and miles of conflicting advice, I have the most supportive and adoring parents and siblings any girl could ever ask for... I understand that maybe I set too high of expectations and that maybe I have too many walls up to support that level of expectations, but it's who I am and I'm comfortable with that... and I am the only one who has to be comfortable with that. No one else has to be because they are not me.

This brings me to my next point. College has been interesting. It has molded and shaped me in ways that I both appreciate and care to not admit. Even the liberals have impacted me in some way. I have never doubted myself, fought for myself, fought with myself, or loved myself more than I have at Carolina. And I wouldn't change a thing because it has shown me how great it feels to get through adversity. I never thought I'd say this, but thank you UNC-Chapel Hill for not always giving me what I want and for teaching me the necessity of fighting for what I need. Good ol' Natalie (and if you are confused about who Natalie is, those of you who need to know who Natalie is, already know) said it best when she told me that underneath it all I'm fighting to be me. I'm wrestling with myself. There are endless supplies of opinions and advice that I receive on a daily basis, but in the end it is me that chooses who I am supposed to be. Maybe this is common sense to you, but Natalie floors me once a week. She said, "you're fighting to stay true to yourself, Lindsay, against all of the reasons not to stay true to who you are, but keep fighting because who you are is worth fighting for."

I'm a words of affirmation girl. I took a love languages test, okay, so I know that I feel the most loved when someone encourages me through words, whether it be through letters, or facebook wall posts, or passing/fleeting comments. I feel the most loved by the Lord when I read verses from him describing how much He loves me. It's just how I receive love the best. Yes, I love quality time and physical touch and all the others too, but one word really can make or break me. It's part of the reason I love writing so much. It's why I cry when people yell at me or are disappointed in me or say one word that shouldn't hurt me, but does. So much of my life comes down to my love/disdain for choice words. But anyway, what Natalie told me just made me feel completely awesome about myself.

I've come along way since last year. I wasn't ready for anything this time last year... I really was walking around in darkness because I was so confused as to where to head next. It was like middle school all over again in a struggle to preserve my identity, except 10 times worse. Through studying abroad, psycho-analyzing my life and making the choices that I feel good about, I'm out of that darkness now and I'm so happy. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm ready to fight for my passions and fight for the ability to love. I can admit now that I have walls up, okay? THERE. I said it. I have obstacles that even I can't seem to get around, but I am working on them. College has taught me to hate the definition of "normal." The people that are the most exciting, bring about the most earth-shattering inventions or necessary changes to the world are by no means "normal." I will spend my life attempting to mimic them in some small way... I'm not saying that I am going to be Mother Theresa or Nelson Mendela, but I promise that I will be Lindsay Holden and everyday I will fight to improve myself. I will fight to stay true to myself and true to whose I am no matter the consequences. I will fight the most when who I am or what I believe in is being chastised. Most of all, I will admit now that I am okay with being different. There is always room for improvement and I will be the first one to admit that, but I will never, never permit someone else to change me. Only God has the power to do that. There are too many abnormal and awesome people out there for me to spend my life blending in with the rest of the crowd and I won't do it.

I don't know how I got so off topic of Sally Field's comment, but I guess I actually didn't get too far off topic. Nearing the end of my last fall semester is really weird. It's bittersweet because I'm ready to move on and spread my wings, but at the same time, I'm freaking out that I have to grow up and support myself. The past 4 years have been more selfish than I care to admit, but they have shown me the importance of selflessness. I can't wait to try to live in a way that benefits others, not just myself. That is now my life-after-college goal.