And when did you stop missing me?

Where to begin. I just have to vent, and writing is my purging channel of choice. It's either this or my journal and I just think I would fall asleep if I cracked out the journal and started writing, though that may be more therapeutic to me since I wouldn't have to censor myself, but oh well. This is already getting to be too James Joyce' with the "stream-of-consciousness" theme going on here, but alas, I have to do what I have to do.

So, let me just begin with Thanksgiving break. My family, as you know, has recently moved to Knoxville, TN. If you want to know how I'm feeling about it, it's weird, but other than that I'm pretty stoic about the whole thing; since we've moved so many times in my life, it's a non-issue. I loved Charlotte, but it's okay. So, Joe-Ho and I headed out to Knox for Thanksgiving, dropped our bags and then headed to Nashville Thanksgiving morning to meet with my mom's side of the family for the big feast. My parents surprised us with a stay at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, which was really awesome. After the feast, we basically worked off all of our food walking around the hotel and then enjoyed some beverages at a Jack Daniels bar inside the hotel. Our waitress told us that the nearby mall was opening at midnight for Black Friday, so instead of hitting the hay, we instead shopped from 12:30-3:30 a.m. Joe, Mindy, Tim, and I. Good times. My dad had taken a shot of whiskey on top of some extra choice beverages, so the shopping was especially pleasant for him. :) Anyway, Joe and I helped my mom pick out all of our Christmas presents because everything was half off or more (the perks of braving the Black Friday crowd). So, later Friday morning, we began our 2 hour trek back to Knox. Happy days. I am happy shopping. Yes, I'm girly and like to shop... but I really love picking clothes out for other people, so that's when I like it most. After shopping awhile later in Knox, we came home and I checked my facebook for the first time in a few days.

First wave of nausea. So, I dated a guy a couple of times in Charleston (freshman year of college). He was from the Citadel (whoot! whoot!) and I started to really like him when all of the sudden his relationship status on facebook changed to "in a relationship with... " I have since blocked this out of my mind because we were in the middle of "going on dates" when it happened and it was pretty devastating for me. So, I get on facebook on Black Friday just to realize that his engagement was announced on my home page. Awesome. Alex and Lindsay have both expressed time and time again how much it sucks when someone you liked gets engaged, even when you don't have feelings for them anymore, and ignorantly, I was always like, "ehhh... it's whatever." Yeah, now I know. I just felt nauseous for the next couple of days on and off, that's all. Don't worry, no tears were shed.

Tonight, however, I went to see the movie, "Everybody's Fine," with my buddy/ex-roommate Ana. Don't let that title fool you. It is not a happy movie unless you're sick and think the ending is an excuse for a happy ending. Whatever. I was a wreck. I will spare you the details of this movie, but it was not at all the holiday-family comedy that I thought it would be. I was sobbing left and right. I mean, it's not unusual for me to cry in movies because honestly, I cried in 300, so I can cry in anything, but this movie stuck with me. Ana and I walked out of the theater and she's like, "well that was a happy movie," and my eyes just started to water all over again. We parted ways and I went to buy some Christmas wreaths for my front doors (Chapel Hill home not Knox, and I will put up pics later). I think the Christmas tree people thought I was nuts because my eyes were all red and blotchy, but whatever. But, then after purchasing the wreaths, I was walking away and then just slid and fell on the walkway. The salesman comes over to me and he goes, "do you need help getting back to your car, ma'am?" and I'm like, "(fake laugh) no thanks." Yeah, apparently I lack hand-eye or any kind of coordination for that matter when my thoughts are blurred by sad movie scenes. Eventually, though, I made it back to my car in one piece. Once in my car, my parents call me and I start sobbing on the phone when related the details of the movie... I think it's safe to say that they really want to see it now. So, 7 or 8 miles later, I get home and still thinking about the movie and crying, I glare forward past Kelsey and our black panther statue. Kelsey comes into my room to ask what's wrong, and I just erupt all over again for the next half hour. I tell her all of the details of the movie and she just gets mad that someone would allow for so much sadness in a movie entitled "Everybody's Fine" and eventually got me out of my emotional state.

The movie just got to me because I realized how much we underestimate our parents. Robert DeNiro is all by himself in the movie and it just really bothered me. I don't like to think of my family being too far away from one another and we sort of are right now. I mean we're not too far, but we're far enough. Melissa and Tommy are in DC, I'm in Chapel Hill, Joe's in Charlotte, and my parents are in Knox. Right now, especially, I just feel so divided. I mean, I'm applying for jobs and studying for finals at the same time, and now I have to go to see that movie.

The fact of the matter is that I change my mind daily. There are few things that don't change: namely, my love for God, my love for my family and friends, etc. But, everyday, I "feel it deep, feel it low," and come up with new dreams and aspirations. You may know that I have been highly considering law school, but that I was going to take a year off before going down that road, but I've since been thinking that I just want my life to start. I mean I'm living now, but I'm ready to get out there and do something with myself and I just can't fathom another 3 years of school right now. So, I'm holding off on that one for the time being. I believe in myself and that's why I just want to start working and building a life for myself. You know, I think I'll end up in DC, but now I'm freaking out about having to move away from my parents, family, and friends for real. It's like I'm having a panic attack. This movie just confirmed my fears and I just want us all to be close, even if I'm jetting all off here and there all the time... I just want to be planted somewhere near my parents, Joe, and Melissa.

I'm a freak, I know, but sometimes I get so blinded by the fact that it's time for me to get serious and to map out a life plan that I forget to live and I forget how much love is surrounding me. I get caught up in becoming independent and learning how to take care of myself that I forget how to be dependent and needy on my family. They're not going anywhere. Though, I may be getting ready to embark on the next adventure, it doesn't mean I have to go at it alone.