to friends and foes of laholden.blogspot.com, this ship has officially sailed.
i'm a grown up now and no longer in college, so it was time. for the two of you who continue to seek me out and encourage me to blog (you know who you are), i have started a new one. i'm keeping it private though, so don't expect it to be broadcasted on facebook. still, it is mine, so enjoy. to everyone else and to blogspot, it's been real, but it was getting too boring for me, so i had to move on. love and payce.
l.a.holden
stupidlyintrospective
Friday, July 8, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
don't let fear run your life
someone inspired me completely. that person left me wracked and rocked. i thought about them and their life and what they meant to me every freaking day and night for months and months just trying to understand what they had done to me. attempting to know who i had become because of them, or if i had even changed at all. i was so fully entranced by what this person meant for my life that i missed an opportunity to seize their boldness and make something of it. experience it. let myself learn from it.
don't let the fear of something you don't understand, or something you've never experienced, consume your every thought as you psycho-analyze all that it entails. because eventually, when you've completely exhausted that psycho-analysis process--what it means for you, what it means for your whole life, what it means to everyone else--you'll find that it's too late to experience it because that ship has sailed. that person, that place, or that thing has moved on. that's my mistake. don't make it... and don't let fear run your life.
don't let the fear of something you don't understand, or something you've never experienced, consume your every thought as you psycho-analyze all that it entails. because eventually, when you've completely exhausted that psycho-analysis process--what it means for you, what it means for your whole life, what it means to everyone else--you'll find that it's too late to experience it because that ship has sailed. that person, that place, or that thing has moved on. that's my mistake. don't make it... and don't let fear run your life.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
supermassive black hole
there are certain pivotal moments in my life where i realize i'm not the girl i thought i was and wonder who was i kidding...
moments where i come out of war-torn movies and want to instantly join the military or work for the cia. moments where i find myself in kick-boxing and karate classes. moments where i find myself walking around the house late at night doing jump kicks, punches, uppercuts, hooks, more crosses, side-kicks, back-kicks, etc. in the foyer. moments where i'm on a date with a nice guy who goes to extreme lengths to show that he is a romantic and will do anything in his power to win me over and despite his obvious nerves, i tell him that he should know that i'm a black-belt in case he dares to try anything. which, of course, is a complete lie, but is enough to scare him half to death. i was belted back in elementary and middle school, but not with a black-belt and i haven't been in karate since. moments where i go out of my way to walk my friends home at night only to walk the rest of the way home by myself. moments where i feel like i'm more of a man just in my protective instincts than most men could ever dream of being, which is why i find that most guys are a waste of my time. i had one such moment just now before it dawned on me that there's something seriously wrong with that picture. i was fighting pretend enemies in my living room and kitchen via the same techniques mentioned earlier when my dad came up behind me and was like, "linds, what the hell are you doing now?" and i, embarrassed, responded, "being butch."
then, there's this other completely opposite side of my he-man inner warrior spirit. it's the side of me that is trendy--always sporting the "in" hairstyles, rocking the designer jeans, shades, and heels. the side of me who breathes a sigh of relief when i step inside a nordstroms. one who spends all of their energy looking for the clothes/handbags that i want via an ebay auction, aka at a discount because i hate paying full price. one who browses through fashion magazines at the grocery store just to see what's on bcbg's runway that season. one who spends an hour getting ready. one who likes to have lovely one-on-one conversations with best friends over coffee or cake. one who loves to know what all of her friends are doing/thinking/feeling. one who could spend an entire day journaling or writing (after i work out of course because let's be honest, i hate myself if i haven't worked out).
a warrior who loves clothes. it's like i want to be sandra bullock in miss congeniality or angelina jolie in tomb raider or something. are girls like me just confused or just both? explain that. please.
moments where i come out of war-torn movies and want to instantly join the military or work for the cia. moments where i find myself in kick-boxing and karate classes. moments where i find myself walking around the house late at night doing jump kicks, punches, uppercuts, hooks, more crosses, side-kicks, back-kicks, etc. in the foyer. moments where i'm on a date with a nice guy who goes to extreme lengths to show that he is a romantic and will do anything in his power to win me over and despite his obvious nerves, i tell him that he should know that i'm a black-belt in case he dares to try anything. which, of course, is a complete lie, but is enough to scare him half to death. i was belted back in elementary and middle school, but not with a black-belt and i haven't been in karate since. moments where i go out of my way to walk my friends home at night only to walk the rest of the way home by myself. moments where i feel like i'm more of a man just in my protective instincts than most men could ever dream of being, which is why i find that most guys are a waste of my time. i had one such moment just now before it dawned on me that there's something seriously wrong with that picture. i was fighting pretend enemies in my living room and kitchen via the same techniques mentioned earlier when my dad came up behind me and was like, "linds, what the hell are you doing now?" and i, embarrassed, responded, "being butch."
then, there's this other completely opposite side of my he-man inner warrior spirit. it's the side of me that is trendy--always sporting the "in" hairstyles, rocking the designer jeans, shades, and heels. the side of me who breathes a sigh of relief when i step inside a nordstroms. one who spends all of their energy looking for the clothes/handbags that i want via an ebay auction, aka at a discount because i hate paying full price. one who browses through fashion magazines at the grocery store just to see what's on bcbg's runway that season. one who spends an hour getting ready. one who likes to have lovely one-on-one conversations with best friends over coffee or cake. one who loves to know what all of her friends are doing/thinking/feeling. one who could spend an entire day journaling or writing (after i work out of course because let's be honest, i hate myself if i haven't worked out).
a warrior who loves clothes. it's like i want to be sandra bullock in miss congeniality or angelina jolie in tomb raider or something. are girls like me just confused or just both? explain that. please.
Friday, July 23, 2010
emoticons
i have to get this out.
I DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN GUYS USE EMOTICONS, ESPECIALLY ON MY FACEBOOK WALL. THEY ARE AWKWARD AND CREEPY. THEY MAKE ME EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT OFF, BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM. IF YOU'RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE TO PISS ME OFF, THEN I WILL LAUGH AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN, BUT IF IT IS AN EVERYDAY HABIT OF YOURS, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO PLEASE DESIST.
i also speak for most girls when i mention my complete hatred for emoticons. we don't like them, so please keep their usage to a minimum.
i'm sorry. i digress. i'm going to go prepare for slumber and retreat from emoticons.
...also, i saw inception for the second time today and it is really a great movie. imdb rated it #3 best movie of all time. i'm not so sure i'd go that far, but it is phenomenal and our titanic boy, leo, really has quite a knack for picking complex movies that toy with your mind and sabotage your views on everyday life. i would love to hear about what you think about the last scene because i have some ideas and i would like to hash them out with someone.
I DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN GUYS USE EMOTICONS, ESPECIALLY ON MY FACEBOOK WALL. THEY ARE AWKWARD AND CREEPY. THEY MAKE ME EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT OFF, BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM. IF YOU'RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE TO PISS ME OFF, THEN I WILL LAUGH AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN, BUT IF IT IS AN EVERYDAY HABIT OF YOURS, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO PLEASE DESIST.
i also speak for most girls when i mention my complete hatred for emoticons. we don't like them, so please keep their usage to a minimum.
i'm sorry. i digress. i'm going to go prepare for slumber and retreat from emoticons.
...also, i saw inception for the second time today and it is really a great movie. imdb rated it #3 best movie of all time. i'm not so sure i'd go that far, but it is phenomenal and our titanic boy, leo, really has quite a knack for picking complex movies that toy with your mind and sabotage your views on everyday life. i would love to hear about what you think about the last scene because i have some ideas and i would like to hash them out with someone.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
why georgia, why?
if you can't already tell, i have a tendency to tie my emotions/thoughts/feelings to a song. here's some lyrics:
i rent a room and
i fill the spaces with wood in places
to make it feel like home,
but all I feel's alone.
it might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
either way, i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
am I living it right?
am I living it right?
am I living it right?
why, why georgia, why?
-johnny m.
so... i decided to compile a list of the tell-tale signs that indicate the onslaught of a quarter-life crisis:
1) your dentist makes you wear a mouth-guard to bed every night because you grind your teeth at 22.
2) you need white noise to drown out little or no noise in your own bed, in your own house (perhaps an oscillating fan or a sound machine that has waterfalls and various other jungle noises keeping your sub-conscious entertained while sleeping).
3) you start taking women's one-a-day pills with a metabolism booster.
4) you never go outside in the sun without putting sunblock on your face because you are seriously trying to prevent signs of aging... or you have a mother who looks ethereal at 52 and you'd like to look like her 30 years from now.
5) you moisturize after every shower.
6) you wash your hair every other day instead of everyday because you do not want to devastate your gorgeous locks. included in #6 as well might be that you let your hair air dry more frequently rather than using the blow dryer and flat iron simply because you want to preserve the "healthy" and "alive" look for the next 20-30 years or so until you have to kill it with hair color to hide the gray. also, in #6, you may think about how you wish you could wash your hair even less, but don't know how simply because you work out all the time and your hair looks disgusting afterwards, so you have to shower (there really needs to be a remedy for this problem... i wish vanity wasn't such an issue in the female population).
7) you try not to eat after 7 pm which leaves you starving at 2 am, causing you to wake up in the middle of the night, running downstairs to eat a couple of reese's pieces, and then blogging about quarter-life crises.
8) you start to pick apart your food (or maybe this is just me). you ask for no onions and no mayo on your food because your allergic to onions and you want to watch your cholesterol. and then waiters yell at you for asking for no onions. what the frick? do you seriously want us to get sick in your restaurant? i used to work at a steakhouse, so i know that if the customer has preferences, they're nice about them, than there's really no inconvenience to you.
9) you get pissy if you haven't worked out that day. and so you try to at least go and take a walk.
10) you develop new favorite pastimes such as cake baking (an everyday favorite of mine), painting, novel-writing, or blogging...
11) you realize that friends who are members of the opposite sex are few and far between because now they want to date you. you were just trying to be nice and are unopposed to making new friends, especially guys, but now you've put yourself in a pickle. you try to develop ways to dumb yourself down or be so absurd and ridiculous that they have to hate you, but they keep coming back for more. and then you have to be honest and say, i'm just not into you. and then you feel like a turd.
12) you begin to retreat or rock back and forth because people make you feel more and more awkward.
13) you become opinionated on what kinds of fries you like... whether be the more rough and crunchy type, or the soft and supple (that was perverse, my bad). and you decide that you rank reese's pieces in this order (best to worst): 1) brown, 2) yellow, 3) orange. and then you get mad because at least 2/4 of the bag is made of orange pieces.
14) you either become a smart ass or a dumb ass. usually ends up having something to do with your wit, street smarts, and educational upbringing, but whatever.
15) you value laughter and people that make you laugh.
16) you seriously begin to enjoy long road trips by yourself.
17) you take up napping again. maybe it's something you did frequently in high school, but then you got too college and you had too much crap going on that you could never settle your thoughts enough to take a freaking nap... even if you're friend Katie made you stay up til 630 am, go to sleep until 830 am, and then continue studying at starbucks with a transvestite sheman until your art history exam at noon.
18) you realize that caffeine is the only thing that keeps you alive. caffeine types vary from person to person, of course.
19) your friends all start getting engaged, which makes you feel like a turd because...
20) you begin to need to make plans just to keep yourself motivated. you want to travel, you want to visit friends, you need to go to a movie, etc...
21) you try running at high noon, despite the fact that tennessee is hotter and more humid than the flames of hell sometimes.
22) you develop a systematic approach to breakfast. perhaps you pour a little flax seed or wheat germ over your cereal depending on whether you want to produce more or less estrogen that day.
23) you wake up and read bbc news on your droid, iPhone, or various other secondary smart phone. still wish i had an iPhone over the droid, but whatever. i'll wait until verizon gets them.
24) you become paranoid that you can't wear your jeans in the car because they become too baggy after you've been sitting for awhile.
25) you spend hours at nordstroms with 2 of your best friends/ex-roomies at the burrito house trying on sexy pumps, and then maybe buying a pair or two, along with a cardigan during the anniversary sale...
26) you salivate over the possibility of having a car with power windows and less than 150k miles, but at the same time your foreign-made car runs great, you're personally attached to her, and she's paid for, so what's the point of getting a new one, really? even if you're hyperventilating every time you see the 2008-2010 versions of the ford escape in a cream or black color.
27) you're dying to start your job just so you can get some money in your savings, but you also know that you can't take this "off/limbo" time for granted.
28) you spend about an hour a day looking for deals on apartments/townhouses on craigslist because you're going against your age group and wanting to save, save, save rather than spend, spend, spend.
29) you dream of the day you can pay for your parent's private getaway to ireland, a place they've never been, but dream of going.
30) you laugh when your alma mater's tuition fees increase nearly twofold for the 2010-2011 graduating class when you only just graduated. part of you feels bad for your younger friends because no one knew it was coming, while the other part of you is just so glad you don't have to pay for it (or, your parents).
you could really add to this list and i could keep it going for like 9 hours, but i'm calling it a day for now. i'm finishing up reading someone's blog and then hopefully i'll sleep, wake up at a decent hour, do some kick boxing, shower, bake, etc. etc. mmkay. love you. bye.
i rent a room and
i fill the spaces with wood in places
to make it feel like home,
but all I feel's alone.
it might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
either way, i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
am I living it right?
am I living it right?
am I living it right?
why, why georgia, why?
-johnny m.
so... i decided to compile a list of the tell-tale signs that indicate the onslaught of a quarter-life crisis:
1) your dentist makes you wear a mouth-guard to bed every night because you grind your teeth at 22.
2) you need white noise to drown out little or no noise in your own bed, in your own house (perhaps an oscillating fan or a sound machine that has waterfalls and various other jungle noises keeping your sub-conscious entertained while sleeping).
3) you start taking women's one-a-day pills with a metabolism booster.
4) you never go outside in the sun without putting sunblock on your face because you are seriously trying to prevent signs of aging... or you have a mother who looks ethereal at 52 and you'd like to look like her 30 years from now.
5) you moisturize after every shower.
6) you wash your hair every other day instead of everyday because you do not want to devastate your gorgeous locks. included in #6 as well might be that you let your hair air dry more frequently rather than using the blow dryer and flat iron simply because you want to preserve the "healthy" and "alive" look for the next 20-30 years or so until you have to kill it with hair color to hide the gray. also, in #6, you may think about how you wish you could wash your hair even less, but don't know how simply because you work out all the time and your hair looks disgusting afterwards, so you have to shower (there really needs to be a remedy for this problem... i wish vanity wasn't such an issue in the female population).
7) you try not to eat after 7 pm which leaves you starving at 2 am, causing you to wake up in the middle of the night, running downstairs to eat a couple of reese's pieces, and then blogging about quarter-life crises.
8) you start to pick apart your food (or maybe this is just me). you ask for no onions and no mayo on your food because your allergic to onions and you want to watch your cholesterol. and then waiters yell at you for asking for no onions. what the frick? do you seriously want us to get sick in your restaurant? i used to work at a steakhouse, so i know that if the customer has preferences, they're nice about them, than there's really no inconvenience to you.
9) you get pissy if you haven't worked out that day. and so you try to at least go and take a walk.
10) you develop new favorite pastimes such as cake baking (an everyday favorite of mine), painting, novel-writing, or blogging...
11) you realize that friends who are members of the opposite sex are few and far between because now they want to date you. you were just trying to be nice and are unopposed to making new friends, especially guys, but now you've put yourself in a pickle. you try to develop ways to dumb yourself down or be so absurd and ridiculous that they have to hate you, but they keep coming back for more. and then you have to be honest and say, i'm just not into you. and then you feel like a turd.
12) you begin to retreat or rock back and forth because people make you feel more and more awkward.
13) you become opinionated on what kinds of fries you like... whether be the more rough and crunchy type, or the soft and supple (that was perverse, my bad). and you decide that you rank reese's pieces in this order (best to worst): 1) brown, 2) yellow, 3) orange. and then you get mad because at least 2/4 of the bag is made of orange pieces.
14) you either become a smart ass or a dumb ass. usually ends up having something to do with your wit, street smarts, and educational upbringing, but whatever.
15) you value laughter and people that make you laugh.
16) you seriously begin to enjoy long road trips by yourself.
17) you take up napping again. maybe it's something you did frequently in high school, but then you got too college and you had too much crap going on that you could never settle your thoughts enough to take a freaking nap... even if you're friend Katie made you stay up til 630 am, go to sleep until 830 am, and then continue studying at starbucks with a transvestite sheman until your art history exam at noon.
18) you realize that caffeine is the only thing that keeps you alive. caffeine types vary from person to person, of course.
19) your friends all start getting engaged, which makes you feel like a turd because...
20) you begin to need to make plans just to keep yourself motivated. you want to travel, you want to visit friends, you need to go to a movie, etc...
21) you try running at high noon, despite the fact that tennessee is hotter and more humid than the flames of hell sometimes.
22) you develop a systematic approach to breakfast. perhaps you pour a little flax seed or wheat germ over your cereal depending on whether you want to produce more or less estrogen that day.
23) you wake up and read bbc news on your droid, iPhone, or various other secondary smart phone. still wish i had an iPhone over the droid, but whatever. i'll wait until verizon gets them.
24) you become paranoid that you can't wear your jeans in the car because they become too baggy after you've been sitting for awhile.
25) you spend hours at nordstroms with 2 of your best friends/ex-roomies at the burrito house trying on sexy pumps, and then maybe buying a pair or two, along with a cardigan during the anniversary sale...
26) you salivate over the possibility of having a car with power windows and less than 150k miles, but at the same time your foreign-made car runs great, you're personally attached to her, and she's paid for, so what's the point of getting a new one, really? even if you're hyperventilating every time you see the 2008-2010 versions of the ford escape in a cream or black color.
27) you're dying to start your job just so you can get some money in your savings, but you also know that you can't take this "off/limbo" time for granted.
28) you spend about an hour a day looking for deals on apartments/townhouses on craigslist because you're going against your age group and wanting to save, save, save rather than spend, spend, spend.
29) you dream of the day you can pay for your parent's private getaway to ireland, a place they've never been, but dream of going.
30) you laugh when your alma mater's tuition fees increase nearly twofold for the 2010-2011 graduating class when you only just graduated. part of you feels bad for your younger friends because no one knew it was coming, while the other part of you is just so glad you don't have to pay for it (or, your parents).
you could really add to this list and i could keep it going for like 9 hours, but i'm calling it a day for now. i'm finishing up reading someone's blog and then hopefully i'll sleep, wake up at a decent hour, do some kick boxing, shower, bake, etc. etc. mmkay. love you. bye.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
what a mess
you come in, you look at the mess that's around you and you get to work. hesitation is not in your vocabulary. some windex here, some pine-sol here, an empty trash bag there. no, i'm not the messiest person around, in fact i'm quite organized comparatively speaking, but still you manage to find ways to pick up after me. you find the things that have gone overlooked or went missing every other week. you find the dust ball that lingers behind the love-seat. you exterminate the cobwebs that have gathered on the tips of the under-used living room fan. you wave your wand over every petulance that could have ever existed on the crown moldings and on the crest of the staircase. somehow things get on the top of the kitchen cabinets, but still, they cannot escape your careful eye. the vacuum lines in the carpet tell your story. they scream that you will not give up on me. you will fight for orderliness until i am immaculate and unblemished. i thought i was clean, but somehow, i still managed to track in dirt... you tackled it. you moved into the den and with a swiffer you first absorbed the dust and grime, and then your gentle touch guided the mop, back and forth, back and forth, so that the foundation of my world would be polished. your gaze swept over the bookshelf, but you were undeterred. compartmentalizing each section--fiction, non-fiction, historical, romance, historical romance, mystery, even timeless literature-- your quiet patience dusted over each tightly bound book and the torn, yet still together paperbacks. i thought that was all that could possibly be done, but to you that was only the first floor. you fought your way up the stairs, scraping every nook and cranny with your sanitizer. the bathrooms are simple for you, nothing but a routine. shower, sink, faucet, mirror, toilet. all clean. but your kindness is especially apparent in the bedrooms, which you treat as individual sanctuaries. ever so gracefully, you vacuum the floors, wiping clean both the love and hurt that is experienced there in private. you make a deal with the carpet and it is refreshed. you move to the bed, laying the sheets and carefully manicuring the comforters and pillows, so that going to sleep means getting rest, and that is such an unexpected treat. the mahogany dresser and desk gleam with a new-found glaze. and just when i thought that you had done everything, that you had set me free of my neglected chaos, you set to work on my clothes. with the tenderness with which you fold some of my scattered garments and neatly replace them in the proper drawer and your attention to the detail that is my form of o.c.d. as you adorn my closet with my most adored wardrobe, organized by color and type, your appreciation for their purpose is transparent. to you, they are my protection, my warmth, my shelter. like a prayer a transgressor, you alone bring restoration to my place of refuge. i thought i was clean, but still you pick up after me. you have memorized the locations to which my things belong, however insignificant, and you never miss a beat. you know it all. despite how tiresome and unrewarding it may seem to some, you take your role seriously. your attitude is servitude. you are often under-appreciated, but still you give. i will never deserve it, but this is your perpetual gift to me. the gift that keeps on giving. your love is manifested in the candle that is lit to delightfully intoxicate my sense of smell. you welcome me home to a clean house and you promise to return.
...you are our cleaning lady and you come early tomorrow morning, so now i have to go to sleep.
...you are our cleaning lady and you come early tomorrow morning, so now i have to go to sleep.
love hurts and crushes suck
thank you for your gift. here's mine.
love hurts and crushes suck, don't they?
this past semester, i learned why a crush is a crush... you walk away in pain. you wish you could be next to that person at all times of the day. you yearn to hear from them. you die a little inside when they walk away. you wait until next time. you hurt when next time doesn't come. you obsess over what you said and what they said. you wish you could take something back--make it sound less corny and more intellectual or witty. do anything in your power to make them feel the same. you feel crushed.
i've had enough crushes. i'm so over them. i went for a power walk/vent time/walking quality time with lindsay probably in the late april time frame and vented forever it seemed. and i finally decided that i never want to have another crush. maybe they're fun for you, but they suck too much out of me. it's like i can't function. if i'm not with them, i want to lay in my bed and think about them. and it's so horrible when you have no idea how they feel about you. it's just painful. so you just lay awake at night thinking up impossible scenarios of them going out on a limb just to love you. i told lindsay that i don't want to have another crush. i just want a friendship and then a smooth transition to a relationship. crushing sucks. i can't do it again. who knows if that will ever actually happen, but i hope i never have to go through it again because it's only fun when they're crushing too. sometimes i literally bow my head and have conversations with my heart. how ridiculous is that? i whisper to my heart and say, "you deserve to be protected and taken care of. you deserve to be appreciated. you deserve to be nurtured. you will not be stomped on. i won't allow it." it's how God sees my heart, and once my heart knows love, it's like it's on a fast track to give every piece of me to somebody else while the rest of me is in a tug-o-war because it never wants to let go of me.
love and lust
love is difficult to interpret. i've never said i love you except to friends and family. i've heard it several times, but i've never said it. i think it's overused. have i felt it? yes. once. i remember it like it was yesterday: we were in his car goofing around, cracking each other up, and listening to justin timberlake and suddenly i just knew. my mind flashed forward to our future and i saw that i could do this everyday for the rest of my life and be the happiest person alive. the weird thing is that i didn't even know that i liked him until that moment and boom it was love. we never dated. i got over it. and then, there's lust. whewwwww. an all-encompassing, completely powerful, physical obsession. just having them whisper your name in your ear can give send shivers down your spine. it's completely mind-blowing. in the months leading into my sophomore year of college and then months afterward, i lusted away. i used to walk around campus with sunglasses on because i could not stop crying. i can only imagine how fun that was for kelsey, katherine, and christa. bahaha. the feeling is akin to breaking apart your skin because you've never felt so unified, or like you fit so perfectly with anyone else. but it is soooo unhealthy. obsessive even. and i think it takes more time to get over that kind of a relationship than a healthy one.
it's so good, but it's also all a crap shoot. we all go through it and we all ache. i wish there was advil for it. one thing i do know, i'll take my heart over somebody who is so detached any day of the week. maybe their bounce-back time is faster, but at least i know the depth of my love and just how good it can feel.
...i realized just now that i would never make a good journalist, only a kick-ass op-ed columnist.
love hurts and crushes suck, don't they?
this past semester, i learned why a crush is a crush... you walk away in pain. you wish you could be next to that person at all times of the day. you yearn to hear from them. you die a little inside when they walk away. you wait until next time. you hurt when next time doesn't come. you obsess over what you said and what they said. you wish you could take something back--make it sound less corny and more intellectual or witty. do anything in your power to make them feel the same. you feel crushed.
i've had enough crushes. i'm so over them. i went for a power walk/vent time/walking quality time with lindsay probably in the late april time frame and vented forever it seemed. and i finally decided that i never want to have another crush. maybe they're fun for you, but they suck too much out of me. it's like i can't function. if i'm not with them, i want to lay in my bed and think about them. and it's so horrible when you have no idea how they feel about you. it's just painful. so you just lay awake at night thinking up impossible scenarios of them going out on a limb just to love you. i told lindsay that i don't want to have another crush. i just want a friendship and then a smooth transition to a relationship. crushing sucks. i can't do it again. who knows if that will ever actually happen, but i hope i never have to go through it again because it's only fun when they're crushing too. sometimes i literally bow my head and have conversations with my heart. how ridiculous is that? i whisper to my heart and say, "you deserve to be protected and taken care of. you deserve to be appreciated. you deserve to be nurtured. you will not be stomped on. i won't allow it." it's how God sees my heart, and once my heart knows love, it's like it's on a fast track to give every piece of me to somebody else while the rest of me is in a tug-o-war because it never wants to let go of me.
love and lust
love is difficult to interpret. i've never said i love you except to friends and family. i've heard it several times, but i've never said it. i think it's overused. have i felt it? yes. once. i remember it like it was yesterday: we were in his car goofing around, cracking each other up, and listening to justin timberlake and suddenly i just knew. my mind flashed forward to our future and i saw that i could do this everyday for the rest of my life and be the happiest person alive. the weird thing is that i didn't even know that i liked him until that moment and boom it was love. we never dated. i got over it. and then, there's lust. whewwwww. an all-encompassing, completely powerful, physical obsession. just having them whisper your name in your ear can give send shivers down your spine. it's completely mind-blowing. in the months leading into my sophomore year of college and then months afterward, i lusted away. i used to walk around campus with sunglasses on because i could not stop crying. i can only imagine how fun that was for kelsey, katherine, and christa. bahaha. the feeling is akin to breaking apart your skin because you've never felt so unified, or like you fit so perfectly with anyone else. but it is soooo unhealthy. obsessive even. and i think it takes more time to get over that kind of a relationship than a healthy one.
it's so good, but it's also all a crap shoot. we all go through it and we all ache. i wish there was advil for it. one thing i do know, i'll take my heart over somebody who is so detached any day of the week. maybe their bounce-back time is faster, but at least i know the depth of my love and just how good it can feel.
...i realized just now that i would never make a good journalist, only a kick-ass op-ed columnist.
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