there are certain pivotal moments in my life where i realize i'm not the girl i thought i was and wonder who was i kidding...
moments where i come out of war-torn movies and want to instantly join the military or work for the cia. moments where i find myself in kick-boxing and karate classes. moments where i find myself walking around the house late at night doing jump kicks, punches, uppercuts, hooks, more crosses, side-kicks, back-kicks, etc. in the foyer. moments where i'm on a date with a nice guy who goes to extreme lengths to show that he is a romantic and will do anything in his power to win me over and despite his obvious nerves, i tell him that he should know that i'm a black-belt in case he dares to try anything. which, of course, is a complete lie, but is enough to scare him half to death. i was belted back in elementary and middle school, but not with a black-belt and i haven't been in karate since. moments where i go out of my way to walk my friends home at night only to walk the rest of the way home by myself. moments where i feel like i'm more of a man just in my protective instincts than most men could ever dream of being, which is why i find that most guys are a waste of my time. i had one such moment just now before it dawned on me that there's something seriously wrong with that picture. i was fighting pretend enemies in my living room and kitchen via the same techniques mentioned earlier when my dad came up behind me and was like, "linds, what the hell are you doing now?" and i, embarrassed, responded, "being butch."
then, there's this other completely opposite side of my he-man inner warrior spirit. it's the side of me that is trendy--always sporting the "in" hairstyles, rocking the designer jeans, shades, and heels. the side of me who breathes a sigh of relief when i step inside a nordstroms. one who spends all of their energy looking for the clothes/handbags that i want via an ebay auction, aka at a discount because i hate paying full price. one who browses through fashion magazines at the grocery store just to see what's on bcbg's runway that season. one who spends an hour getting ready. one who likes to have lovely one-on-one conversations with best friends over coffee or cake. one who loves to know what all of her friends are doing/thinking/feeling. one who could spend an entire day journaling or writing (after i work out of course because let's be honest, i hate myself if i haven't worked out).
a warrior who loves clothes. it's like i want to be sandra bullock in miss congeniality or angelina jolie in tomb raider or something. are girls like me just confused or just both? explain that. please.
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Lindz. Please understand that you are someone who I look up to dearly. All those things that you do make you a Holden. We are a random, confused, hilarious family. All your retarded mannerisms is why I love you. You are a beautiful young lady who has always had a heart for God. Although I sometimes may not show it I love you more than you can ever know. You've been there for me during times when everyone else fades away. You left me notes with bible verses at the exact time i needed them. I still remember the verse that you put on a note too me that gave me perseverance in the toughest time in my life. Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." You've shown me qualities that most people would never dream of having. Youre brillant, creative, and damn hilarious. I love you in all you are and whether you believe it or not one day someone will see the same as I do in you. I know this because God blesses the faithful. God blesses those who struggle. And God blesses those who are tired and weak yet still push forward. Remember that you are His and lean on Him during times of struggle. I am here for you ALWAYS. Stay focused on your mission "Spread the truth". We are not on this earth to gain all of the worlds desires. We are here to give the gift that has been given to us. And if you stay focused and continue to do the things we are instructed to do you will be blessed with a happiness that cannot be compared to earthly riches. Lindz you will make it through what you are going through whatever it may be. Know that I pray for you every night. Always remember that we have been extremely blessed. Thank God everyday no matter how your emotions make you feel. God will hear your cry. Change the world the way youve changed my life. God will not desert you. God will not abandon you. We have a beautiful family. So stay positive and focus on the things God has blessed you with. Show people the gift you have been given. Show them why you randomly do karate in the kitchen while you bake your delicious sprite cake. Show them that you are alive and you are free in Jesus' name. Go to the bible in times of struggle and deliverance will be given to you. I love you lindz. Never forget. I would drop everything if you needed me. I will do anything to protect you. I love you more than you could ever know. Always remember that.
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