supermassive black hole

there are certain pivotal moments in my life where i realize i'm not the girl i thought i was and wonder who was i kidding...

moments where i come out of war-torn movies and want to instantly join the military or work for the cia. moments where i find myself in kick-boxing and karate classes. moments where i find myself walking around the house late at night doing jump kicks, punches, uppercuts, hooks, more crosses, side-kicks, back-kicks, etc. in the foyer. moments where i'm on a date with a nice guy who goes to extreme lengths to show that he is a romantic and will do anything in his power to win me over and despite his obvious nerves, i tell him that he should know that i'm a black-belt in case he dares to try anything. which, of course, is a complete lie, but is enough to scare him half to death. i was belted back in elementary and middle school, but not with a black-belt and i haven't been in karate since. moments where i go out of my way to walk my friends home at night only to walk the rest of the way home by myself. moments where i feel like i'm more of a man just in my protective instincts than most men could ever dream of being, which is why i find that most guys are a waste of my time. i had one such moment just now before it dawned on me that there's something seriously wrong with that picture. i was fighting pretend enemies in my living room and kitchen via the same techniques mentioned earlier when my dad came up behind me and was like, "linds, what the hell are you doing now?" and i, embarrassed, responded, "being butch."

then, there's this other completely opposite side of my he-man inner warrior spirit. it's the side of me that is trendy--always sporting the "in" hairstyles, rocking the designer jeans, shades, and heels. the side of me who breathes a sigh of relief when i step inside a nordstroms. one who spends all of their energy looking for the clothes/handbags that i want via an ebay auction, aka at a discount because i hate paying full price. one who browses through fashion magazines at the grocery store just to see what's on bcbg's runway that season. one who spends an hour getting ready. one who likes to have lovely one-on-one conversations with best friends over coffee or cake. one who loves to know what all of her friends are doing/thinking/feeling. one who could spend an entire day journaling or writing (after i work out of course because let's be honest, i hate myself if i haven't worked out).

a warrior who loves clothes. it's like i want to be sandra bullock in miss congeniality or angelina jolie in tomb raider or something. are girls like me just confused or just both? explain that. please.