LAHolden Gets Stuck

Get this... the universe thought it would be hilarious to stop me in my race against time to finally get home by having a random freaking BLIZZARD in North Carolina of all places. I mean come on. I have seen maybe an inch of snow accumulate since moving to Charlotte/Chapel Hill before my senior year of high school and now it snows? Hard? On my last day of finals?

An hour into the trip to Knoxville it started to get pretty bad. About 10 minutes later my dad and I were screaming at each other--he's telling me to pull off because I'm driving NW, into the eye of the snow storm, and I'm yelling and crying back because his expectations are too high-- because my windshield was frozen, paralyzing my visibility and all of the exits I snail-crawled past were covered in inches of snow. I literally couldn't see, my wipers were frozen, the snow was pelting the windshield, I was looking thru the passenger side just to stear, and there was no end in sight. I was screaming and crying at my dad where I wanted my money to go when I died. Maybe you come from the north and you think my behavior is ridiculous, but I used to live in New Jersey... my dad taught me to drive in black ice, so you'd think I would have some gumption on these roads, but man did I think the end was in sight for a little while there. I'm driving in a 2000 Honda Civic of all things, so I mean, come on... what do you expect? Me to be 4-wheeling in my Tahoe?

Eventually I drove down this random street where I finally hung up on my dad who had me in hysterics and was literally tempted to ask one of the home owners if I could stay with them for the night, but my dad called me again. The man was trying to help me, I know that, but he wasn't with me to see the storm itself and commiserate with my problems, so I was getting frustrated that he was saying "Lindsay, turn around" every 10 seconds. Eventually I was able to turn around and head to a hotel... and the blizzard wasn't as nail-biting heading SE as it was NW, so I escaped death. Now I'm cooped up in this hotel outside of Winston-Salem. Apparently the snow is supposed to continue until Sunday, so reaching the loving arms of my family has been temporarily hindered. I swear though, sometimes I feel like my plight is straight out of a sentimental fiction novel. I am that girl who needs saving and God always has to chop me off at the knees to get me to be still... even if it's forcing me to break my race to get home and staying at a hotel by myself. Merhhh. It would have been a better story if a man riding a white horse had plucked me out of the storm. Hahaha.

So many plaguing questions that I have right now start with why?

Bathed in Afterglow

I have my last econ exam today at 12. It will probably take the full 3 hours, but I'm just so incredibly excited to be done with finals... they were the hardest they have ever been for me and my body just can't take any more. I'm popping airborne like it's my job. So, I have this weird thing where I wake up every morning singing a different song that was playing in the background of one of my dreams... I'm unique. But today, I felt it was particularly significant because I feel so, so close to freedom. Enjoy the lyrics.

Just when the days start getting colder,
I walk the streets I never knew
There's some words I never told you.
The sound rings out like the truth.
If you could see what's come over me then you would know
'Cause I'm walking free, the wind at my back
And bathed in Afterglow.
And as I sit here in this dark room,
All I seem to feel is light.
I see color,
I see the maroon in the blood of this life that's ours.
If you could see what's come over me then you would know
That I'm walking free, the wind at my back
And bathed in Afterglow.
Watch the sun, it paints an orange sky.
Lay me down and feel the days gone by.
Just when the day...
Just when the day...
Just when the days start getting longer,
I walk the streets I never knew.
The sun comes out for you.
If you could see what's come over me then you would know
'Cause I'm walking free, the wind at my back
And bathed in Afterglow.
--Vanessa Carlton, "Afterglow"

Wish me luck! Safe travels to all of you who are heading home in the next few days!!! To be continued...

Because I am at Starbucks again, preparing to embark on more Econ studying, and simply can't focus, I figured I would announce my reading list for winter break... which I will be reading (or listening to) on my way to and from a few places.

- Crime and Punishment (CD)
- Atonement
- For Whom the Bell Tolls
- New Moon (yes, I would like to read it again... leave me alone)
- Eclipse (ditto)

I like to read. Mmkay bye.

Don't Judge Me

I know I posted about 4 hours ago, but I don't have a facebook anymore, so I'm dying here. There's nothing for me to look at on the internet right now when I'm getting distracted from studying.

So, I decided to make a list of what my favorite activities were this semester:

- Watching Pride & Prejudice and The Proposal about 900x each
- Visiting Chels & Monique in Albuquerque for fall break :)
- Going climbing for the first time ever with Kelsey
- Eating at El Bandido's like once a week (this will no longer take place because spring break is only a few months away and I really need to start cooking for myself again)
- Going to visit Alexandra in Blacksburg for her bday
- Finding that Tennessee is not so bad after all, even though I really love and miss Charlotte with all my heart (but I refuse to admit that to my parents)
- "Walking Club" with Lindsay where we spend an hour and a half venting about all of our problems that we can't admit to anyone else in the middle of the night
- Katherine's and my awesome Bible study and our pre-bstud Wednesday night dinners
- Spending hours on the phone with LB because she's the only person I can talk to on the phone for that long
- Finding a route to run and maximizing with my Yoga Body Burn DVD (attn: it's time for me to get a harder one... Christmas? Bday?)
- Midnight New Moon showing on Nov. 19 with Alexandra, Lindsay, and Emilie
- Seeing New Moon 5 times (please don't judge me... you don't understand)
- Wednesday mornings with Natalie
- Harassing Marius (Mo-Mo seriously thinks I'm in love with him, probably because I tell him that my love for him runs deeper than he could ever know... hahahaha. For the record, I'm not in love with him but he is my best guy friend).
- Reflecting on England, having such strong memories related to everything while I was abroad, and putting together my postcard collage
- Getting emails from Lori (I miss you, love)
- Realizing that my love for Princess Blue - Little Black Riding Hood is so irrevocable that I literally started crying on my drive home from TN one day and apologized to my car for taking her for granted
- Learning about the Lord
- Paige's wedding
- Having 9 million of my friends get engaged (I also feel a little bitter... not gonna lie)
- My dad finding Mildred (my beloved cat and when I say my beloved, I mean beloved) in a sewer after she was gone for a week (if you wonder why I eat men, it's because they pale in comparison to my dad, how well he loves me, and how much he is willing to do for others)
- Realizing that I have the world's most amazing friends and that I am truly, truly blessed. This is worthy of some examples: first of all, when my mom first admitted that she couldn't find Mille, Linds came right over and stayed the night with me while I sobbed for hours (you don't realize how much I adore my pets, especially Mildred since she's mine) and having all of my buddies keep checking in on Mille's status until my dad found her a week later. Secondly, Kelsey took care of me (she's actually taken care of me countless times, this is just one of them) when I had to go to the ER for my heart problems and kept cracking sick jokes to keep me laughing while the freaking male nurse was feeling me up. Kelsey also tied a pink monkey around my bed post and sat with me when I was sad about Mille.
- Getting in fights about finding a job with my mom.
- Trying to map out the rest of my life and realizing that it really is all in God's hands
- Surprising Christa at her house last night
- Seeing Invictus with Lindsay... AMAZING!!! GO SEE IT. "Cappy" reminded me of Kohan. If you still read this, Kohan McNab, go see Invictus. You are Matt Damon in it... even though you're from NZ.
- Making Marius, James, and Linds watch Greek (aka Cappie) with me on Monday nights
- Driving through the snow in the mountains on my way back to UNC from VT
- Hot military guys at VT...
- Living in this big ol' rancher with 5 other girls
- My christmas tree, my lights, and the wreaths on our front doors
- Kelsey's Halloween spider web
- Being a wigga for Halloween, walking on Franklin with Kelsey and then realizing that we had nothing else to do... "lamest Halloween in all of Christendom" (Kelsey)
- Inducting Kelsey into the world of Mr. Brooks
- Only attracting men of color at the dance club Players.
- "We attract dogs. I mean they're real dogs, Linds" (Kelsey).
- Carolina BBALL. Carolina Football.

I'll get back to you with more later. Tomorrow, I'm going to announce my reading plan for Christmas break.

We Walk in Fields of Gold

4 days of studying left. 5 more days of exam life.

It's not going fast enough, so I'm taking a break, sitting in my bed in my leopard-print snuggie and watching some Hallmark Christmas Classics with Dino. Right now, Billy Ray Cyrus's new movie, "Christmas in Canaan," is on. He talked about it on Rachel Ray, so now I'm watching it. Let me paint a picture for you. The South during the Jim Crow era. Billy Ray's son is a bigot and picks a fight with another black boy on the bus, so Billy decides to teach his son a lesson by making him spend a week with the other boy. He calls it, "punishing them by keeping them together." Anyway, from what I gathered on Rachel Ray, the boys spend half the time with the other family and half the time with Billy's family, and they learn that they have more similarites than differences. Despite the great message, I'm not sure that this is a great movie.

Lindsay and I are watching it together while studying and we picked kids, and by "we picked kids," I meant I dropped the comment that her son was a jerk and Lindsay died laughing. My son is the black boy and Lindsay's son is the bigot. Why? Because my son is strong, dry and intellectual while Lindsay's son is gullible and popular-- he believed that he consumed skunk stew for dinner. It reflects our parenting skills. Although, to give her some credit, her husband is the one that came up with the master plan of punishing them by keeping them together instead of punishing them by keeping them apart. So, at least she married a reformist. I don't even have a husband. Oh no, apparently the drama changed and the boys found an injured dog that was shot in the leg. I can't handle any movie where dogs, horses, or cats get hurt, so this means I'm probably going to lose it unless the dog gets better.

In other news, did I do anything exciting today? Well, I spent 6 hours at Barnes and Noble again, so that was fun and now I'm gonna get back to macro and writing a speech. Carolina is killing me... I can't help but think of all of the other fun things I could be doing instead of studying... so many activities. Sky-Diving, Lazer Tag, counting the rings on an aged tree stump, or talking to Mildred again and again about my feelings while she rubs against my legs and purrs. Oh well, I just have to maintain perspective that I know I can make it through the week. There's nothing like the light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace, Love, and Christmas Cheer,
Linzerina

Counting Down...

Only 3 hellish econ exams and 1 speech away from the end of Fall semester... Let me just say, this has been one of the hardest semesters academically. Carolina, you kill me.

I'm sitting here at the Barnes & Noble at Southpoint Mall preparing to embark on an Advanced Macro study sesh (my hardest class, btw) for my exam on Tuesday. I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past 4 days from all of the work I've been doing. I had my African American Lit exam today at noon and to put it into perspective for you, I wrote and wrote... just about 30 pages of writing on top of our final exam essay that we had to turn it with our exams and that we only got Thursday night. I think I have carpel tunnel. Schmoop.

Whew. However, to think about it positively, on Thursday, I still had 2 essays, a speech, and 4 exams keeping me from sitting by the fire, sleeping in, and watching endless episodes of 24 to prepare for the new season. I am a Christmas freak, but it really is what gets me through finals. I feel so burnt out, but I'm only 6 days away... from the shortest Christmas break we've ever had. Lol.

Okay, well, that's all for now. Oh, and if you're wondering about my facebook... well, I deleted it for the time being. I may be back on December 18, but maybe not. I'm doing just fine without it, though sometimes I type in face... only to remember. There's just not time for me to stalk people right now, so if you want to stalk me, you're going to have to come up with some more creative ways to do that.

Peace, love, and holiday cheer,
L.A.Holden, Attorney at Law

I'm happy, can't you see?

I might lock my secrets up all one by one.
I put 'em all away when I was done.
And I would really love to hear your voice sometime
To close a little distance in my mind.
I'm happy, can't you see?
I'm alright, but I miss you and believe.
-Brandi Carlile, "Happy"

Brothers & Sisters just ended and it truly has become one of my favorite shows these days, along with 24 and Lost, that is--I got tired of all of the sex drama on Grey's and Private Practice and every other effing show, so I just quit on them. Brothers & Sisters is so good because it's a wacked out family with problems... just like every family. I love it.

Tonight it inspired me, as it does most nights, because though I try to be, I'm not the bravest of people. Sally Field, "Norah Holden" (yes, I like her last name) on the show, was giving her son some last minute pointers before he tied the knot with his fiance. She said, "sometimes the things you are most scared of are the things that make you the happiest." It cut me to the core because I'm so afraid of things. I'm so afraid of having to commit to anything. I'm afraid of having to commit to leaving Chapel Hill, living far away from my parents again, and most of all, I'm afraid of showing my feelings or loving someone.

I guess I have built it up in my head, but I will tell you that it was my youth pastor's wife, Missy Scanish, and my mentor, Paige William's fault. They both told me at such an impressionable high school/early college age that I deserved the best and to hold out for the best possible man because they were so worth waiting for. Apparently I am a slightly intense person (Kelsey, Alex, and Lindsay, hold your tongues... they are the ones that told me I am), which I never considered to be a possibility, so I guess I took this advice to heart. I have believed in a fairy tale my whole life... I believe in Taylor Swift "Love Story." Yeah, corny, I know, but I respect her because the girl happens to have a lot of class and talent... and let's be for real here, the girl is dating Taylor Lautner. Anyway, this is all besides the point. The truth is that I was taught to appreciate God's design and timing... and let's be honest, I have a long list of expectations, so it should take a long time for the stars to align, but I believe that they do and I won't allow it when they don't. I believe that each couple's love story is the best love story of all time. I see couples splitting up all the time and it freaks me out because it could happen to anyone, but at the same time I really do believe that if the right person comes along, you fight to stay together. It's just that I met a guy once who rocked my world and met my long list of expectations, even though I chose for a long time not to admit to it. That's what I do, though, I process over long periods of time. Finally, when I was in England, for the first time, I openly admitted to my feelings for him to myself and to a couple other buddies of mine. It's just that it was too late. He came in, interested me, and like "the wind under superman's cape" (a little Lady Antebellum for you), he was gone again. I spend a lot of time thinking that I should have done some things differently... that I could have said different things, shown more interest, or made an attempt to spend more time with him, but I didn't because underneath it all, even though I felt good about him, it didn't feel right to me.

I go back and forth between kicking myself for it and being proud of myself for it. I am waiting for what I was taught to wait for... God. It didn't feel right and now, I trust my judgment. Others have told me that I will never really know unless I bite the bullet and tell him how I feel/felt, but personally, I think that would be creepy and I am not okay with that. He can come to me. I'm old-fashioned like that. I love and care about myself and I chase after the things that I want all of the time. But when it comes to a man, he can chase after me. I was raised by the most incredible father who made me believe that I was a princess. It's what I am. I love myself; I crack myself up all the time; I'm content to be alone because again, I crack myself up; I think I have my head on straight; I think I'm a freak, but I believe in myself and where I'm going; I have the world's most amazing friends and though my family drives me nuts sometimes with their endless questioning of how I live my life and miles of conflicting advice, I have the most supportive and adoring parents and siblings any girl could ever ask for... I understand that maybe I set too high of expectations and that maybe I have too many walls up to support that level of expectations, but it's who I am and I'm comfortable with that... and I am the only one who has to be comfortable with that. No one else has to be because they are not me.

This brings me to my next point. College has been interesting. It has molded and shaped me in ways that I both appreciate and care to not admit. Even the liberals have impacted me in some way. I have never doubted myself, fought for myself, fought with myself, or loved myself more than I have at Carolina. And I wouldn't change a thing because it has shown me how great it feels to get through adversity. I never thought I'd say this, but thank you UNC-Chapel Hill for not always giving me what I want and for teaching me the necessity of fighting for what I need. Good ol' Natalie (and if you are confused about who Natalie is, those of you who need to know who Natalie is, already know) said it best when she told me that underneath it all I'm fighting to be me. I'm wrestling with myself. There are endless supplies of opinions and advice that I receive on a daily basis, but in the end it is me that chooses who I am supposed to be. Maybe this is common sense to you, but Natalie floors me once a week. She said, "you're fighting to stay true to yourself, Lindsay, against all of the reasons not to stay true to who you are, but keep fighting because who you are is worth fighting for."

I'm a words of affirmation girl. I took a love languages test, okay, so I know that I feel the most loved when someone encourages me through words, whether it be through letters, or facebook wall posts, or passing/fleeting comments. I feel the most loved by the Lord when I read verses from him describing how much He loves me. It's just how I receive love the best. Yes, I love quality time and physical touch and all the others too, but one word really can make or break me. It's part of the reason I love writing so much. It's why I cry when people yell at me or are disappointed in me or say one word that shouldn't hurt me, but does. So much of my life comes down to my love/disdain for choice words. But anyway, what Natalie told me just made me feel completely awesome about myself.

I've come along way since last year. I wasn't ready for anything this time last year... I really was walking around in darkness because I was so confused as to where to head next. It was like middle school all over again in a struggle to preserve my identity, except 10 times worse. Through studying abroad, psycho-analyzing my life and making the choices that I feel good about, I'm out of that darkness now and I'm so happy. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm ready to fight for my passions and fight for the ability to love. I can admit now that I have walls up, okay? THERE. I said it. I have obstacles that even I can't seem to get around, but I am working on them. College has taught me to hate the definition of "normal." The people that are the most exciting, bring about the most earth-shattering inventions or necessary changes to the world are by no means "normal." I will spend my life attempting to mimic them in some small way... I'm not saying that I am going to be Mother Theresa or Nelson Mendela, but I promise that I will be Lindsay Holden and everyday I will fight to improve myself. I will fight to stay true to myself and true to whose I am no matter the consequences. I will fight the most when who I am or what I believe in is being chastised. Most of all, I will admit now that I am okay with being different. There is always room for improvement and I will be the first one to admit that, but I will never, never permit someone else to change me. Only God has the power to do that. There are too many abnormal and awesome people out there for me to spend my life blending in with the rest of the crowd and I won't do it.

I don't know how I got so off topic of Sally Field's comment, but I guess I actually didn't get too far off topic. Nearing the end of my last fall semester is really weird. It's bittersweet because I'm ready to move on and spread my wings, but at the same time, I'm freaking out that I have to grow up and support myself. The past 4 years have been more selfish than I care to admit, but they have shown me the importance of selflessness. I can't wait to try to live in a way that benefits others, not just myself. That is now my life-after-college goal.