And when did you stop missing me?

Where to begin. I just have to vent, and writing is my purging channel of choice. It's either this or my journal and I just think I would fall asleep if I cracked out the journal and started writing, though that may be more therapeutic to me since I wouldn't have to censor myself, but oh well. This is already getting to be too James Joyce' with the "stream-of-consciousness" theme going on here, but alas, I have to do what I have to do.

So, let me just begin with Thanksgiving break. My family, as you know, has recently moved to Knoxville, TN. If you want to know how I'm feeling about it, it's weird, but other than that I'm pretty stoic about the whole thing; since we've moved so many times in my life, it's a non-issue. I loved Charlotte, but it's okay. So, Joe-Ho and I headed out to Knox for Thanksgiving, dropped our bags and then headed to Nashville Thanksgiving morning to meet with my mom's side of the family for the big feast. My parents surprised us with a stay at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, which was really awesome. After the feast, we basically worked off all of our food walking around the hotel and then enjoyed some beverages at a Jack Daniels bar inside the hotel. Our waitress told us that the nearby mall was opening at midnight for Black Friday, so instead of hitting the hay, we instead shopped from 12:30-3:30 a.m. Joe, Mindy, Tim, and I. Good times. My dad had taken a shot of whiskey on top of some extra choice beverages, so the shopping was especially pleasant for him. :) Anyway, Joe and I helped my mom pick out all of our Christmas presents because everything was half off or more (the perks of braving the Black Friday crowd). So, later Friday morning, we began our 2 hour trek back to Knox. Happy days. I am happy shopping. Yes, I'm girly and like to shop... but I really love picking clothes out for other people, so that's when I like it most. After shopping awhile later in Knox, we came home and I checked my facebook for the first time in a few days.

First wave of nausea. So, I dated a guy a couple of times in Charleston (freshman year of college). He was from the Citadel (whoot! whoot!) and I started to really like him when all of the sudden his relationship status on facebook changed to "in a relationship with... " I have since blocked this out of my mind because we were in the middle of "going on dates" when it happened and it was pretty devastating for me. So, I get on facebook on Black Friday just to realize that his engagement was announced on my home page. Awesome. Alex and Lindsay have both expressed time and time again how much it sucks when someone you liked gets engaged, even when you don't have feelings for them anymore, and ignorantly, I was always like, "ehhh... it's whatever." Yeah, now I know. I just felt nauseous for the next couple of days on and off, that's all. Don't worry, no tears were shed.

Tonight, however, I went to see the movie, "Everybody's Fine," with my buddy/ex-roommate Ana. Don't let that title fool you. It is not a happy movie unless you're sick and think the ending is an excuse for a happy ending. Whatever. I was a wreck. I will spare you the details of this movie, but it was not at all the holiday-family comedy that I thought it would be. I was sobbing left and right. I mean, it's not unusual for me to cry in movies because honestly, I cried in 300, so I can cry in anything, but this movie stuck with me. Ana and I walked out of the theater and she's like, "well that was a happy movie," and my eyes just started to water all over again. We parted ways and I went to buy some Christmas wreaths for my front doors (Chapel Hill home not Knox, and I will put up pics later). I think the Christmas tree people thought I was nuts because my eyes were all red and blotchy, but whatever. But, then after purchasing the wreaths, I was walking away and then just slid and fell on the walkway. The salesman comes over to me and he goes, "do you need help getting back to your car, ma'am?" and I'm like, "(fake laugh) no thanks." Yeah, apparently I lack hand-eye or any kind of coordination for that matter when my thoughts are blurred by sad movie scenes. Eventually, though, I made it back to my car in one piece. Once in my car, my parents call me and I start sobbing on the phone when related the details of the movie... I think it's safe to say that they really want to see it now. So, 7 or 8 miles later, I get home and still thinking about the movie and crying, I glare forward past Kelsey and our black panther statue. Kelsey comes into my room to ask what's wrong, and I just erupt all over again for the next half hour. I tell her all of the details of the movie and she just gets mad that someone would allow for so much sadness in a movie entitled "Everybody's Fine" and eventually got me out of my emotional state.

The movie just got to me because I realized how much we underestimate our parents. Robert DeNiro is all by himself in the movie and it just really bothered me. I don't like to think of my family being too far away from one another and we sort of are right now. I mean we're not too far, but we're far enough. Melissa and Tommy are in DC, I'm in Chapel Hill, Joe's in Charlotte, and my parents are in Knox. Right now, especially, I just feel so divided. I mean, I'm applying for jobs and studying for finals at the same time, and now I have to go to see that movie.

The fact of the matter is that I change my mind daily. There are few things that don't change: namely, my love for God, my love for my family and friends, etc. But, everyday, I "feel it deep, feel it low," and come up with new dreams and aspirations. You may know that I have been highly considering law school, but that I was going to take a year off before going down that road, but I've since been thinking that I just want my life to start. I mean I'm living now, but I'm ready to get out there and do something with myself and I just can't fathom another 3 years of school right now. So, I'm holding off on that one for the time being. I believe in myself and that's why I just want to start working and building a life for myself. You know, I think I'll end up in DC, but now I'm freaking out about having to move away from my parents, family, and friends for real. It's like I'm having a panic attack. This movie just confirmed my fears and I just want us all to be close, even if I'm jetting all off here and there all the time... I just want to be planted somewhere near my parents, Joe, and Melissa.

I'm a freak, I know, but sometimes I get so blinded by the fact that it's time for me to get serious and to map out a life plan that I forget to live and I forget how much love is surrounding me. I get caught up in becoming independent and learning how to take care of myself that I forget how to be dependent and needy on my family. They're not going anywhere. Though, I may be getting ready to embark on the next adventure, it doesn't mean I have to go at it alone.

I'm Watching Pride and Prejudice

Mr. Darcy: You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Elizabeth Bennet: I do like him. I love him. He’s not proud. I was wrong. I was entirely wrong about him. You don’t know, Papa, if I told you what he was really like, what he’s done…

Two of my favorite quotes in the world.

The Countdown Begins...

4 days until Alexandra Pauls and I reunite... she is making a pre-Charleston stop to come visit tarheel nation! And yes, we will be at the 12:05 a.m. premiere of New Moon.
5-6 days until Lisa Lou visits for her 3rd annual pre-Thanksgiving venture to tarheel nation-dEliCiOuS pumpkin cookies in tow. We, too, will most likely be going to see New Moon.
11 days 'til the Macy's Day Parade... and plenty of Mindy Sue's green bean casserole. Yum.
12 days 'til Black Friday. Yes.
Weeks that generally tend to pass quickly, but painfully in between these two glorious holidays are summed up in one word: Finals.
39 days until Christmas. Umm, this is pretty much my reason to survive the entire year. Christmas is my favorite day every year. My birthday pales in comparison to how special Christmas is to me. I'm a tradition lover.
... And then of course there's mi cumpleanos en enero, but I don't really care to be 22. I like 21. :)

... REJOICE. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!! Bust out your Christmas music like me while going for runs and enjoy some "Santa packs are comin'" (I miss those commercials) Diet Cokes. Decorate. Bake all kinds of crap. Stimulate the economy. Love the Lord...

The only things that could possibly make this even more beautiful would be a) the ability to wear my winter coat and b) facebook re-instating the "Countdown to Christmas Tree" where you can leave presents under your friends' trees. And yes, lame-o, I know Christmas is not all about presents... believe me when I say, I know what it's about. But it is fun to leave gifts under facebook trees.

Get excited! Amen.

Angerrrrr

I really can't stand people's ignorance anymore. If you want to be a liberal... I have nothing against you, I never have, I never will. Your sardonic ways really prove to me that your actions do not measure up to your words. Don't go around putting words in people's mouths that we hate mankind because we think that pulling out of the war at the present time would bring more bad than good. I have a problem with that. I have a problem when you are ignorant about the issues that your liberalism justifies in your mind and then you yell at me for... No, I don't put myself in the "liberal" category, but news flash "peace preachers," just because I'm not liberal does not mean that I am one of the small minority of Americans who proclaim that they hate all non-Christians. In fact, it pains me to hear you say those words because it literally emphasizes how little you truly understand.

You speak about peace and love, yet you have no idea what that looks like in a simple conversation with another American. I love people. I think they are God's gift to the world. I think red, yellow, black, white, Jew, Hindi, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Yogi, etc. are all precious and all deserving of freedom and a chance to lead a better life. You call yourselves peace lovers, so why don't you consider spending more time strategizing how to keep the peace in your everyday life before you take your anger out on the first non-Lib you come across. Oh, and next time, you want to say that Fort Hood was a mere inconvenience... fulfilled by a man who was, and I quote, "sick in the head," why don't you put yourself in the place of those twelve families who are directly affected and all those indirectly affected in the mourning of a lost loved one.